since i moved in with my gay dad, i’ve been watching so much Food Network that i’ve started to dream in recipes. like, one time i was hanging out with Giada De Laurentiis and i was like, ‘girl, how can i be as successful as you?’ and she was all, ‘first, take two tablespoons of LOSE SOME WEIGHT and add a pound of GET OFF YOUR ASS and then combine with two parts of NO MORE PEANUT BUTTER. sprinkle some FIND A RICH BIKER-HUSBAND and you’re done!’ i really took that one to heart.
obviously giada is great and all, but my FAVORITE Food Network star is Ina Garten, the hobbit of East Hampton and host of Barefoot Contessa. can you introduce us? i’m SO obsessed. our first meeting would go a lot like this:
MATT: ina! it’s so nice to meet you!
INA: shut up, i know.
MATT: i love your shirt! i read somewhere that you get them custom made?
INA: yeah i do, jealous? poor ass.
MATT: oh, um…
INA: you want some chicken?
MATT: i don’t really eat meat.
INA: faggot ass.
MATT: totally! speaking of which, is that TR guy you hang out with all the time gay? he’s hot.
INA: you’re too short for him.
MATT: oh. hey, i’ve been thinking of pitching my own cooking show to Food Network. it would be like yours, but with more accidental hand cutting and smoking. and at the end of every episode i would just give up and eat my roommate’s leftovers. how bad can that be?
INA: bad vanilla. shut up.
so in love.
do you think you could introduce me to Sienna Miller when you hire me? i think we would be the greatest of frenemies. when i was in london, i saw her at the premiere of Interview, and even though it was Steve Buscemi’s name that i screamed on the sidelines of the red carpet, i still thought she was adooooorable. she was all poor-postured and weak-ankled and just kept smiling at everything in her slinky silk frock. and i love how the paps are always kind of, sometimes all over her and she’s like, “you guys! come on.” this would totally be us:
SIENNA: MATTY, what did you think of the new twenty8twelve show?
MATT: i thought it was GREAT, SeeSee. i was so happy to see that you’ve continued to make that bleach-splattered denim vest that made the line great in the first place. i love the idea of paying $150 for something i can probably find at goodwill, without all the risk of it not fitting. or the excitement of finding something on my own.
SIENNA: you cheeky BITCH.
MATT: i’m KIDDING, baby. really, i think you’re wonderful. hey, say a line from GI JOE.
MATT: baby, PLEASE?
SIENNA: “get out. GET OUT. (beat) nice shoes.”
MATT: OMG THAT’S MY FAVORITE LINE.
SIENNA: I KNEW.
MATT: we’re so fun.
SIENNA: one of us is.
SIENNA: let’s have champers and blow for lunch!
so will you? of COURSE you will, you treasure. and you’ll get so much press when we’re arrested for being fun, and the only statement we’ll give to the press is, “MARC JACOBS.”