since i moved in with my gay dad, i’ve been watching so much Food Network that i’ve started to dream in recipes. like, one time i was hanging out with Giada De Laurentiis and i was like, ‘girl, how can i be as successful as you?’ and she was all, ‘first, take two tablespoons of LOSE SOME WEIGHT and add a pound of GET OFF YOUR ASS and then combine with two parts of NO MORE PEANUT BUTTER. sprinkle some FIND A RICH BIKER-HUSBAND and you’re done!’ i really took that one to heart.
obviously giada is great and all, but my FAVORITE Food Network star is Ina Garten, the hobbit of East Hampton and host of Barefoot Contessa. can you introduce us? i’m SO obsessed. our first meeting would go a lot like this:
MATT: ina! it’s so nice to meet you!
INA: shut up, i know.
MATT: i love your shirt! i read somewhere that you get them custom made?
INA: yeah i do, jealous? poor ass.
MATT: oh, um…
INA: you want some chicken?
MATT: i don’t really eat meat.
INA: faggot ass.
MATT: totally! speaking of which, is that TR guy you hang out with all the time gay? he’s hot.
INA: you’re too short for him.
MATT: oh. hey, i’ve been thinking of pitching my own cooking show to Food Network. it would be like yours, but with more accidental hand cutting and smoking. and at the end of every episode i would just give up and eat my roommate’s leftovers. how bad can that be?
INA: bad vanilla. shut up.
so in love.