sally (my friend and one-time lover) and i wrote this essay on the history of Christmas or Jesus or something when we should have been cropping photos for yearbook:
all typos (and repeated sentences?) aside, i think it’s pretty accurate? also, sally made me type that penultimate sentence because she actually turned this in to her teacher. clearly, we broke up due to creative differences.
whatever happened between the end of 2002 and the beginning of 2003 must have been MAJOR. this also kind of reads like one of those slideshows they show to middle school kids about drug users.
i’ve only been in TWO relationships in my life (if you don’t count the weird thing that’s going on between me and nicotine) and the only proof i have are two pieces of paper that were (hopefully) part of larger, grander love confessions/this-isn’t-working confessions:
god, these people were CLINGY and DEMANDING. don’t tell them i said that. and don’t tell them i showed you these.
P.S. i used to be straight!
Sue was also very careful to back up all her Excel files:
i think the one marked ‘N’ has porn on it, but i really have no way of finding that out.
check out these magnets i once had proudly displayed:
i guess that time i thought i was a 16-year-old boy, i was actually a 42-year-old divorcée office worker named Sue. and Sue DEFINITELY voted to keep bars smoke-free. go figure.
so, my parents are forcing me to go through ALL of my old shit that i have at their house before i move because, ‘we need our space, too. and Gary will throw a SHOE if all of this isn’t gone and into a storage place before you leave.’ ug whatever, MOM. anyway, i’m finding SO MANY WEIRD THINGS while i venture through my old room. example:
coupons for kids! i loved these! i would always use the ‘Good for One Free Hug’ when my mom was SUPER pissed at me for carrying around an umbrella and pretending to be Mary Poppins. this one is my favorite though:
I’D LIKE TO CASH THIS ONE IN, PLEASE.
i’m so sorry that i’ve been the WORST pen pal (actually, YOU are the worst pen pal because you NEVER WRITE ME BACK. but who’s counting?), but i’ve been busy MOVING BACK INTO MY PARENTS’ HOUSE FOR TWO WEEKS BEFORE I MOVE TO SEATTLE, and going to mardi gras in st. louis, which, if you didn’t know, is the second largest mardi gras celebration IN THE WORLD. don’t worry, i thought about you the entire time i was there. everywhere i went i had people sign this petition:
i’m sorry, i lied; i totally MEANT to have people sign that petition but i was too busy drinking keg beer and screaming things like, ‘YOU’RE A FAGGOT,’ ‘that’s FAGGOTRONICS,’ and ‘WHO MADE YOU QUEEN OF THE PORT-O-POTTIES? NOT US, AND WE’RE FIFTY PERFECT OF THE VOTE.’ i’m such a stinker! oh, and i was wearing this little bit-o-memories the whole time:
anyway, i hope you’re doing well. i’m tits-deep in SHIT at my parents’ place because i don’t throw anything away? ever? HOARDER. report me, it’s fine. i miss you!
Please hire me so I can afford to hire movers to haul all my mary-kate magazines to seattle.